Fall

They drop, they die as they disconnect from their source
Falling they gather, collected by the wind, providing fun and play on the cool morning commute to school
Rains come, winds come, and scatter
The once playful becomes slippery sludge that stains and marks the pathways with tannins, ugly, dark
The sludge clears though marks remain with lesser risk of slipping, of falling

Can I let go of pain, of sorrow, of hopes of my loving feelings?
The ache in my being – the playful joy and the stains of disappointment and betrayal?
Can I stop missing him?
I wish I’d never known the blue sky days in a way, so nothing could be missed
I thought if I stayed to face the ongoing storm I could steer the ship and avoid the rocks
I thought that would work
It didn’t

Can I let go of my sweet baby?
So far from me yet I feel her in the fabric of me
It aches not to have her close
She has fledged and must land and build for herself now
And I must feel this loss
Will she return?
I cannot imagine living this way for long
I tried my best to imagine it
I thought if I imagined hard enough the tearing within me would not be felt
I thought that would help
It didn’t

I thought maybe I could collect the leaves of loss and use all I have before they dry and dampen and stain everyone and everything
If I could use my sellotape and string to reattach every one of them they won’t turn brown and fall and die
I thought if I try hard enough the tree will stay the same and winter won’t come
I gave it everything
I thought it might work
It didn’t

naomi sarah