Goggleboxing My Life

It’s easier to watch than be in the whirl and swirl and grave confusion
Easier to view it like it’s some kind of documentary that invites comment
I have been a sofa dweller on a weird version of gogglebox
I am in the show and watching the show
Commentary and feelings about the show spoken, before switching off the show and carrying on

Plenty to say plenty to judge plenty to view in this strange dimension

It felt like none of it was real until I let myself, forced myself, to look closely at behind the scenes footage
Intriguing and devastating
I see one long fight with a smile plastered across my face as though what just happened was a stunt that didn’t hurt at all
But those fires actually burned
Those falls really did bruise
The pushes and shoves fractured my structures and my frame until I did not know whether this was all in my head
So little room in a head full of reason, excuses, guilt, confusion
Capacity only to find answers, so I could keep on going
Fixing, distracting, seeking earnestly words that would crack the stone wall that appeared wherever I turned
I looked up so I could pretend it was not there
Maybe that helicopter in the sky would rescue me, though I did not know to let it know I needed help
I didn’t know I needed help
I could not see there were missing pieces in me, around me
I was surviving to accolades of thriving
Noone knew I needed help
So much loss
Though my heart kept beating and wondering, hoping, that the rest of me would remember it was there

naomi sarah